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Dr Love on call!

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Dr Love on call!

Our qualified life skills advisors have taken the time to answer your love questions. If you have a problem, email teenzone@panorama.co.za with Dr Love Web in the subject line and it may just appear here!

Q: Not over my ex!

I am 14… and I’m still not over my ex of last year. We met through my younger brother and we started talking and hanging out. We started dating and it was very convenient because he lives two houses down from me. We saw each other every day after school and on the weekends. His parents are divorced and he lives with his mother. We were together for a few weeks when he had to go to his dad for the school holidays. In that time I SMSed him every single day and called him once or twice, but he never replied and answered only once. The day he came back I asked him why and his excuse was ‘I’m sorry I used all my airtime on Facebook’! That night he broke up with me and said he had a lot of time to think about it and he thinks we see each other too much and he isn’t in the mood for a relationship. It’s been 7months and I still see him once in a while and have tried to date other guys, but still like him and think about him a lot. I just can’t stop thinking about him.

A: Heartbreak is often really difficult to process and get through.  I can hear in your letter that you feel hurt and confused and that you did not expect this relationship to end as quickly. Unfortunately you cannot force someone to love you or even like you – what you can do is deal with your feelings of hurt and rejection by talking to someone you can trust, teaching yourself that how another person behaves is not about you but rather about them.  Learn the signs to look for – like when someone does not reply to your sms’s, it is a sign that they are not interested.  When you are doing all the work and making all the effort, it is a sign.  Let the guys pursue you – as difficult as that may be sometimes, be the girl who takes effort to date. You can control your thoughts.  Choose to focus on something that makes you happy and content.  Having a boyfriend does not make you whole.  The most successful girls in relationships are the ones who are really confident and happy on their own too.

Q:  Am I being played?

While on holiday, my cousin and I met this guy and his nephew on the beach. Later on we found out that they were living at the same resort as us and we started hanging out with them and the guy flirted with me and we were making out. He said he never loved a girl as much as he loves me. So the next day we met them at the pool and he flirted with my cousin so I spoke to him about it and he said he wouldn’t do it again and right after I spoke to him about it, he did it again. And just before we left he told me he loved me and wants to see me again. I couldn’t stop thinking about him, I miss him so much L. He is such a player and now I can’t get him out of my mind. And I’m too scared to call him because he might think that I’m desperate…

A: Don’t call.  He does sound like a player – and you have read the signs well.  If you pursue this kind of boy your heart will get broken.  Trust your intuition and also ask yourself…. do I want to be with someone who has already disrespected me and disregarded me?

Q:  How can we go back to being friends?

I’ve had a friend for 10 years now, and she has a brother. I’ve been in a relationship with him for about 5 weeks. He’s great and loving and caring and my parents like him a lot, and he tells everybody how much he likes me and can’t stop thinking of me. But I don’t feel a spark any more. I don’t know what to do! I’m so confused! Because when you’re in a relationship aren’t you supposed want to be with him all the time, how do I leave him, how do I tell him it’s over? Do I leave him? Or do I wait a few more months? Please help me!!!

A: One of the things that are important to learn is always to trust your instincts as well as your feelings.  You wanted something and now it is not working for you.  Honestly is the best policy.  Have an open conversation with your boyfriend and tell him how you feel.  Don’t stay in a relationship because you don’t want to hurt his feelings.  The longer you keep the lie going the more hurt he will be. You can also have an open conversation with your friend.  It is going to be difficult and yes you may have to deal with her being angry.  And it is possible to be friends after having a relationship but this will take time and it will be up to your boyfriend.  Most times it is better to end things completely and later on try to rekindle the friendship.

Q:  How long do I have to wait?

I’m a 17-year-old girl and my boyfriend is 21. We are dating for a while now. In our previous relationships we both got badly hurt and we are afraid of love. I know that I love him, but I don’t know how he feels. I told him a while ago and it freaked him out, I don’t want to lose him. I am willing to wait for those “3” words from him. What should I do because I’m curious and he makes me feel like I have never felt before. I love him.

A: This is a really good question. Do you only know that someone loves you by those “3” words, or can you feel that he loves you by the way he treats you and how he talks to you and what he does for you.  Can you feel that he loves you by the way he makes you feel about yourself? You mentioned that you both got hurt badly in previous relationships so I think that it is understandable that it would take time for him to express his love or even that he is taking time to allow himself to fall in love.  Be patient and don’t measure his feelings for you only on the 3 little words – I love you.

Q: Help, I am too shy!

I really like this guy and he likes me too but we can’t talk to each other. Every time I think about going up to talk to him I can’t, I freeze up and don’t know what to do. I know he feels shy as well, because the only time we talk is a little ‘Hi’ and stuff when other people are around and the only time we REALLY talk is on Facebook!

A: Talking on Facebook is a good start.  Many good friendships and relationships begin this way.  Perhaps you can suggest sitting together at lunchtime and talking.  Take baby steps.  Have a plan for your conversation.  Maybe even say you would like to talk about X at lunch – be it a movie, or function or subject or something you two have in common.  What you have one your side is that you know he likes you.  This is a big plus.  Another idea is to invite him to a movie where there is not too much focus on talking but rather getting used to being in each others company.

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My name is Kriszti Bottyan (23) and I am the Editor of Teenzone Magazine. This means that all content goes through me before it reaches you. I graduated from the University of Pretoria in 2015 and I am currently completing my post-grad in Applied Languages. I am admittedly addicted to E! but I am also into the more serious content about society and about topics concerning YOUR future. Ultimately, you are my number one priority. We have migrated to a digital platform that is more suitable to you, our readers. We are continuously grateful for your support and in return promise to deliver. We will not disappoint!

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